Geez, it’s been so long since I’ve blogged. Really have to get better about that. My little man is in California with his grandparents and I miss him so much! I’ve had the opportunity to live the “real” single life and it’s just too quiet for my taste lol. Just thinking about all the things that we’ve been through. Boy do I love that little boy! In honor of me missing him so, I thought I’d share a little bit of our story! 🙂
And the story begins…
When I first found out I was pregnant, I seriously thought my life was over!! I remember after taking a million Walmart pregnancy tests, I had to go somewhere with LEGIT tests so I can make sure the 3 that I took weren’t lying to me. So the next day, I used the grocery money my mom had given me and went to Planned Parenthood. Their test was positive too. Goodness. The lady gave me a paper with my options. My eyes immediately looked for abortion. After the horrible phone call with my the father of my child the night before, I could only imagine what life with the baby would be like.
“I’ve got to get the aborti..” Just the word making its way off my tongue made me break down crying. I called my mom. First thing I said to her was, “Mom, you’re going to be so disappointed in me.” She knew immediately. I talked to her and told her I didn’t know what to do, that I just couldn’t bring myself to kill the child, or worse, risk not being able to have kids again. After reassuring me that my family had my back, I was able to be at peace with a decision.
When I decided to keep the baby, I was happy but still hated it all at the same time. All of my dreams and wishes and hopes down the drain because I was about to have a baby! I just turned 19, just started at a new school (UCO), and now I’m about to be big and pregnant, and his dad hates me and the baby. GREAT! In the beginning, the father of my child came around and would go to doctor visits with me. There wasn’t a visit I went to that I didn’t cry though. He didn’t want to be there. I mean I didn’t want to be there either, but I made the decision to keep our child, and he was punishing me for that. I was punishing myself for it. It was too late to turn back though.
It’s A Boy!
I remember the day when he finally called me and told me that he wouldn’t be going to anymore doctor visits. It was right before we found out the sex of the baby. He was with another woman, and by that time, he “didn’t know if the baby was his or not”. Next visit, I found out I was having a bouncing baby boy! He really was bouncy, my baby was so active inside the womb, and I just knew that I was going to have an active fella. I had texted his dad that day, “Just in case you wanted to know, it’s a boy.” Nothing back of course. He had completely abandoned us. At first mentally and emotionally, and then finally physically. As excited as I wanted to be, it was a really tough day. Most days were. Pregnancy hormones, real emotions, rejection, fear, sadness….it really was a lot to do deal with. What made it better, his father got another woman pregnant, and married her. Funny right? Lol Ok it wasn’t really funny, but I felt like God thought it was. One thing after another. Enemy’s lies sounded real good from time to time.
I made it through though. My family was there for me. Church. My friends. God. Even though it didn’t feel like it or I may not have known it then, but man, God really held me up! He’s always holding me up the whole time, but you don’t really notice that during the time of your storm. All you realize the next morning you wake up is man…I made it through yesterday. Somehow, some way…it happened.
After I found out it was a boy, I had to think of a name for him. His dad and I had already picked out names, but clearly that name wasn’t going to work because I didn’t want him to have anything to do with him. One day, I was laying down in my dorm room, and had a vision of me calling after a boy walking out the door. I yelled, “Cameron!“….and I woke up. It stuck with me. And that was his name. Cameron Myles. It was moments like that God reassured me He was there and had a Hand in mine and Cameron’s life. I made it through that rough pregnancy, and just fell completely in love when he made it here.
I still wished his dad was there though. I couldn’t quite comprehend how someone could miss out on such a wonderful blessing…I still ask myself this today. He was so wonderful, and so happy! He didn’t know that his daddy didn’t want him and that his mommy was so damaged mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He still doesn’t. All he knows is that he’s safe, he’s loved, and he was warm. He was in the arms of his mother. The one who he had the chance to bond with internally for 9 months. The one who would sing and pray over him. The one who’s voice soothed him. The one who would gladly eat all the yummy foods he craved lol (he loved and still loves spicy food!). He finally got the chance to meet the first woman of his dreams, his first love.
First year wasn’t the best. Dealing with his dad, learning how to become a mother, being super young and life just completely changing before my eyes. I had some really rough moments. I remember the days I was so tired and irritable, and Cam would just cry and cry. There were moments my mind stepped into the minds of those women who have hurt their children. I knew and understood how they felt, what the enemy was telling them, what made them lose control. I remember one morning yelling for my parents to just take him because I couldn’t trust myself in that moment. It was a dark time, a very dark moment, but I believe it was God’s grace that really grabbed a hold me during those times. I battled with losing my life and what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. One time during the first year, on my birthday, I had a trip planned. I couldn’t go because Cameron got sick. I was so upset.It exposed so much selfishness!
Little did I know that God was breaking me and building me at the same time. He used Cameron and becoming a mother as a molding process. He’s been chipping off selfishness, and adding on patience. He’s been chipping off hurt and bitterness, and adding on forgiveness, strength, endurance. He’s been building up encouragement and a testimony in me. A story that only I could push through, and live to tell about. Through my hardships, tears, breakdowns, God has been creating a beautiful ministry on the inside and also building up a strong mother to raise an amazing man of God!
Where We Are Now
My little man is 5 years old now! 5 years, and I’m not even close to where I want to be, but He’s brought me so far! I don’t even realize my birthday is tomorrow. THAT’S BIG! haha. Over the last 5 years, I have learned to forgive his dad, sometimes on a daily basis. As well as forgive myself (this is still in process). The great thing though, his father and I are cordial and actually co-parenting now. SAY WHAT??? lol We can be in the same room and have a good time. WON’T HE DO IT! He’s not perfect, like I’m not, and has a lot of room for growth on his part being a dad to Cam, but prayer, daily forgiveness, and patience has brought their relationship a LONG way! and I’m forever grateful for where they’re at and where they’re heading. More posts on dealing with those coming soon.
The more and more I grow, the more I learn my life is and has never been about me. I learned that everything is working for my good. I’m learning that God knows the plans He has for my life. Trusting has been hard, but I’m growing. And God’s patience with me has been beautiful and making me love Him even more. I’m able to see God’s love and our relationship manifested through me and Cameron’s relationship. It really is amazing!
So, What Inspired This Post?
Yesterday, I was in church, and the guest pastor speaking talked about your mistakes becoming your ministry. That’s exactly what is happening! I’m writing this small piece of me to put out there that God knows every detail of our lives, down to the very number of hairs we have on our heads. He knew us before we were even in our mother’s wombs. He knows who you will be, what all you have done, and where you’re going to go, all before you were even born! He wrote down all the days of your life. AWESOME RIGHT??! What I’ve been through is no shocker to God. He isn’t up there thinking, “Dang it, where did this horrible guy come from?” “Ugh, why did she make that choice? Now, I have to figure out how I’m going to make it work.” NO! What God is really saying is, “CHILL my daughter. I got this. I knew that was going to happen. Don’t worry. It’s going to set you up for this. Just trust Me.”
I know this is a lot of writing. I really do talk too much. Lol I want to open up myself more about who I am, and what God has brought me through in hopes that someone can understand they’re not alone. Instead of being ashamed, I wear my past as a badge of honor because without my mistakes and hardships, I wouldn’t be able to understand another young mother’s experiences and help her through. So thank you God, for all of the storms and I pray that someone is touched and encouraged to keep pressing as they hear pieces of my testimony!