I was driving home last Friday from our event that we had at our church and I decided to have a talk with God about a heart issue that came to mind.
I asked God,
“God, why is it the moment a man comes into my life, he gets my undivided attention. I mean I’m willing to put stuff that needs to be done aside, just to talk to him. I want to know all of his favorite things, so that I can surprise him or give him something special. I want to spend a lot of quality time with him. I think about him all of the time, and when I don’t hear from him, I get sad or worried and try to do what I can to hear from him.
God do you see my issue? Why do I do that? Instead of doing all of these things for You, someone who actually loves me and appreciates my love, I do it for someone who only looks at me as a temporary quick fix.”
So I continue to pour out my heart to God about this major mix up of priorities. How can I not do this for my Heavenly Father, my Bridegroom, my pursuer, lover of my soul, the best thing since sliced bread….too much? lol nahh never too much. That’s how awesome He is to me, and I have a hard time returning the favor.
Anyways, I’ve started this journey on studying about purity and one of the first scriptures on my list to study was Psalm 24:3-5.
3 Who may climb the mountain of the Lord? Who May stand in His Holy place? 4 Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies. 5 The will receive the Lord’s blessings and have a right relationship with God their Savior.
Verse 4 is what came to mind in this situation, but kind of backwards. God values honesty, and I’ve come to realize when you’re honest with yourself and with Him, you are on step closer to change and becoming pure.
You see, I want God to purify me all the way through, and this is not with just sexual purity. I want a clean heart as well. My heart is ugly and filthy, which in turn results to my actions. By being honest, taking off the masks, and not covering up the mess, I can allow God to clean me up and give me that clean heart that I truly desire.
So I was honest with Him, and confessed…
Maybe I don’t believe you’re really there. Maybe I don’t believe that you’re love wont be as great as the tangible love that I can get from these men. Maybe I do believe in you, and I just doubt you.
This was a hard confession. The church girl, born and raised, faithful in going, apart of a million ministries. How could I feel that way about God? It’s not like these horrible thoughts always crossed my mind, but my actions and all that I was doing was showing how my heart felt.
Then God told me….(this is why He’s the best thing since sliced bread lol). Jesus died for my unbelief as well. He said that I can even lay that at His feet and that He would heal that, if I let Him. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God, but I do believe it was a time that God grabbed onto me and exposed some filth that needs to be cleaned up, and that was my unbelief.
Although purging hurts, I’m just so thankful that God loves me enough to let me be completely honest with Him. It’s submission to His will in a way. “God I don’t devote my time and energy into You because of my unbelief, and I trust in men’s love instead of yours. Ok I said it, it’s Yours, let Your grace cover me and change me from within.”
I can honestly picture God smiling saying, “Daughter, thank you for being honest with me, and handing over your burden to me. Now lets see how we can fix this.”
What a great Dad, huh? 🙂
My goal with blog is to be as transparent as I possibly can. These are thoughts of the everyday saved girl, I know I am not alone. I just pray and hope that as God is working on me, that my thoughts and His thoughts through this process will help change someone. God loves us so much, and He just wants us to understand that and get to know Him. He’s not this Big scary God that’s unapproachable. He’s sweet, gentle, comforting, and even funny. (God has a great sense of humor smh lol) All he wants is that personal relationship with us.
Father, thank you for allowing us to be ourselves with you no matter what our heart conditions may be. Even though you already know the things of our heart, we know that You appreciate us coming to You in all honesty because it shows our need for You and Your grace. Father, I believe that you are the Most High and my God, but help me with my unbelief. Continue to purge me of the filth that is in my heart and replace it with a clean a heart. Replace my negative thoughts with Your thoughts. I know I am a work in progress, but thank You for always loving me and making me feel like the princess that I am. I love You and I pray that our relationship continues to grow as I dive into your word and get to know You more. Love you always!
Be blessed everyone!
Single Saved Girl